metamorphosis is naturally destructive

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to this post, what I would finish the year off with and there have been so many ideas and so many directions to take but in the end, moments of reflection and introspection are taking precedence.  November was such a different month for me, I decided to take on my “if I were you” series, a daily (but mostly nightly) reflection on my day and what I needed to hear in that particular day. I learned so many lessons through writing each and every time I sat down at the computer.

December I found myself taking a more organic approach to this blog, my classes, my life, and while both approaches definitely have their merit, December has found me moving back into old patterns and habits that I though I had left far behind.  It moved me into a place emotionally where I thought that I had grown out of. It has left me with lessons and let’s face it, a lot of really shitty feelings. It’s no wonder that I am sitting curled up in a blanket felling like…shit.

Everything that I worked on in 2016 brought me to a more purposeful life. I cleaned, and purged. I became more thoughtful with my interactions,  I became quiet and introspective when I needed to, I shared more than ever before. I allowed myself to be more honest, be more open, be more of a voice, be more of me. But then, December…(sigh…)

Sometimes I feel as though I’ve wasted a lot of time.  I know that I have. But then today I read something…

“Honour the journey your soul mapped out for you. Trust all the places you’ve been…All parts of the journey are sacred and holy.” – Journey to the Heart, Melody Beattie

What has each moment taught me?

What have I learned?

How can I move forward with this knowledge? Do I share it? Keep it for myself? Tuck it away in a notebook?

Who will it help? Me? You? Anyone?

How have my actions affected other people?

How do I feel? (Noticing without judgement, but with affection, compassion and loving kindness)

What do I BELIEVE?

Even though I know what I KNOW, it’s been a challenge to get back into what I have previously outlined as what is important to me. Why? Because an object at rest tends to stay at rest. And I am really good at resting.

So now, I go back to those things and review.

Were those things actually important to me or did I just say they were?

Are they actually important, or was it just not the right time?

Are they actually important, or were they because a book said they were?

Did I actually have an experience of them, felt that they were important and decided to write them down and try to implement them?

Who actually decided they were important?

And then…

What stopped me from committing?

Why did I give up?

What stopped me from getting said thing done?

What is controlling me?

Why am I choosing the old instead of making way for the new?

I believe it’s this four letter word called…FEAR. I mean really, maybe it didn’t show up that way…I have lots of time, I can do it tomorrow, that will only take me 5 minutes so I’ll fit it in here.  (Those are called excuses.) I believe I just proved by experience that not having a plan doesn’t work for me.  This is eye opening knowledge. REALLY. IT. IS.

It has been lurking around for oh, let’s see, the past 31 days, and it has hinted at my conciousness before now but it really truly hit me yesterday, when I sat down and worked through The Desire Map process by Danielle LaPorte. And yes, it is a process. It asks you questions that feel like bullshit. But it cuts through the crap.  It asks you how you want to FEEL. IN. EVERY. MOMENT.  This is the third time going through the process and it has changed every single time. How can that be, I often wondered. After all, I am the same person, but I’m not. I grow and change all the time, even on those lazy days. We all do, it’s called being human.

If you’ve never gone through the process before, I highly recommend it. It is life changing, a game changer, a revolution to your evolution.

I often talk about the ebbs and the flows, right now feels like an ebb, but it’s not going to last forever. I know this, because I’ve felt it.  I’ve felt the shift and the opening. I’ve felt the momentum, I’ve felt the building, and instead of keeping my dreams, dreams, it’s time to get them on paper and start living them.  Which makes it sound like I haven’t been but trust me, I have, they are just taking a bit of a detour. A new direction, but, isn’t that what new beginnings are for?

Yes, yes I believe they are, and I can’t wait to see them come to life.

I hope this post has served you in some way, I know it has me, that maybe I don’t need to be so hard on myself, that maybe there is lessons in the old, that there are lessons in the new, and that there are lessons in each moment.  By taking this time yesterday and today to write, it has brought so much clarity into purpose.

Thank you as always, for reading, listening and supporting.

May you take the time you need today to listen to what your heart needs. May you open 2017 in whichever way you need to. May it hold you in its arms feeling the full support of your hearts truest desires.

Much love, Christy


Title is from Danielle LaPorte’s #truthbomb deck.